Shut Up Little Voice, I'm Human!

Psalm 32v10: He that trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him…

At this point in my life, there are some things that hurt. Some things that I can’t make happen by myself, and things that I have no choice but to trust the Almighty with. And I do, I really do. I’m not obsessing over these things, and I’m doing my utmost with the wonderful life that I have before me right now.

But I can’t help it if sometimes life gets me down. I’m feeling low this morning. I’m all too aware today of the things I can’t control, things that I’m praying for breakthrough on, things that I know only God Himself can do. My breakthrough isn’t here yet, and I keep hoping it will be soon. I just keep hoping, trusting. Still, my heart is sad.

Why is it then that I have this mean little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m never going to succeed, because I’m not trusting the Lord. Telling me that I should be displaying my trust in a show of continual happiness and peace. If I were truly placing my trust in the Lord, I would not be feeling this way, right?

I’m not happy right at this moment!

And there are things that I don’t have peace about within my heart!

But I DO trust my Father to care for me. You stupid little voice, how dare you tell me how to feel!?

Man I am so tired of feeling bad for not fitting the mould. I’m breaking free of this. I’m going to have bad days, world, so just deal with it. Being God’s child doesn’t make me impermeable to pain, it doesn’t make me a doormat to be walked over, and it doesn’t give me a happy mask to wear every day.

Jesus wept.

Jesus challenged people over things that were worth the argument.

Jesus pushed tables over, with a whip in his Hand, in an outrage over something that He was righteously indignant over. How I’d love to see His face, red with anger, eyes glittering with passion!

So if I’m not feeling 100% today, I know my Papa in heaven doesn’t mind. He knows I’m human, and that I can’t see the bigger picture, and He understands that it’s frustrating to wait around, blindfolded about the future and hurting about the present.

He’s more Gracious than you, little voice, so take your guilt trip somewhere else.

Steve Turner (who may or may not have been stoned) #2

I think we're long overdue for a Steve Turner poem, it's been many months since I shared with you the literary genius that is White With Two Sugars (Please).


It's hard for me to choose one piece to share, being the Steve Turner fan that I am, but in the spirit of February, Valentines, and all that is 'the month of love', I have chosen two slightly twisted poems on love. 


Enjoy :-)


Ambush - by Steve Turner


I'm never
falling
tumbling
slipping
or tripping
in love again
I had said,
closing my heart
until further notice.
Little did I consider
that even Love had fallen
foul of technological progress.
Unknown to me, Cupid had
long since traded in
his futile wooden bow
for a bright metal machine gun.


I'm back again.
Being very good friends.
Trying hard not to notice
the row of holes
currently appearing
across my chest.




And if your Valentines this year is a little less quirky...


Jilted - by Steve Turner


The first time
you are caught loving
in a just-friendly zone
they fine you
two eyes washed in tears
and a letter of appeal.
The next time it's three unpublished poems,
a few pounds in weight,
and an hour long discussion.
If it should happen
a third time
they have to withhold your feelings
so that your will learn
how to use them properly.




Happy Valentine's Fellow Inhabitants of this Planet - may Love, unconditional, plutonic and romantic, bestow it's wonderful glow on you today!

a most random thought

I wonder if anyone has ever scrolled to the very bottom of this page to feed my fishies.

Resurrection of a Lost World

When I was a little girl, I just loved to draw. I lived and breathed paper and pencils. When we went to church, and my Mom wanted me to keep still, she would let me sit on the floor, she would take out a little pad of paper (which smelled like fresh tissues, strangely enough), give me her ballpoint pen, and that was all I needed. I would go into my own little world, which existed entirely on that page, and was a world of ballpoint ink, a quiet world of my own making.


During the course of high school, I gradually lost my love for art, as it soon became a massive burden for me. Long story short, our art classes had me churning out sketches and projects like a machine, and I came to resent my talent. It has been approximately ten years since I seriously took pencil to paper and enjoyed it.


My doctor has now advised me that I need to take half an hour every day, to do something 'meditative', in order to truly relax. It doesn't necessarily need to be anything like levitating and going "ooohhhmmm", but the good doctor suggested yoga or art. Art? I instinctively recoiled at the idea. Sketching didn't sound relaxing to me, it sounded stressful, having to manufacture drawing after drawing...
How sad, that the education system stole this beautiful thing from me. How utterly infuriating.


So, I stole it back this week.


Sometime last year, I began this sketch in an attempt to resurrect my talents, but at the time, I still felt some turmoil about it all, and I gave it all up pretty quickly...

This week, I decided to try again, with a new agenda: Not to churn out an artwork, but to relax and enjoy some quiet time in my little world. Amazingly, it was a completely different experience. 


When I first started this sketch last year, I was just copying a magazine advertisement.I have subsequently lost the magazine, and so am pretty much just messing around with it. Could be disastrous, but only time will tell. The weird wavy sketching on the top of the page is actually a very flamboyant hat that was sitting on the head of a woman, whom you can just barely see in the middle of the page. I am so excited to get to drawing her, as she is one posh lady and I really enjoy a good portrait. 

So, it's really going great, and the cherry on top was that today I discovered some really ideal "sketching music". You know me: it's the music that makes my life so much more incredible to experience, and so I must share it. 


Today I plugged my iPod earphones in, and played the latest Florence and the Machine album, "Ceremonials". There is nothing that can really be compared to this band. The music is almost tribal, primitive, with an incredibly eery edge to it that I haven't heard since listening to Kate Bush's 'Waking the Witch'. (And you should hear that track in reverse, it is simply spine-chilling.) 


Florence and the Machine is a South London band. The lead singer, Florence Welch, possesses a most unique voice, reaching high notes with warbling tenderness, and in the next moment bellowing a powerful alto that brings goosebumps to my arms. I have to say that when listening to this album, I have the urge to dance around a fireplace, or dive into a ocean and swim until I'm surrounded by nothing but water and dolphins. Yeah, it's pretty strange music.


But exactly the kind of strange music that's perfect for immersing myself in my own world-on-paper. Some of my favourite songs....


Shake It Out
Strangeness and Charm
Never let me go


Hope you enjoy it - it's not everyone's cup of tea - but it's such fitting music, being the day-dreamy music that it is... I will share more, once this particular sketch is finished :) Hopefully it won't be a catastrophe!


Peace out!

Is there still such a thing as good news?

So, I decided to get with the times this week, and read the news. You know, 'be informed'. Be 'in touch' with the world. 


One sunken cruise ship with multiple casualties, a few murders and rapes, thousands of school closures, and yet another absurd outburst from Julius Malema, and I've decided that I'm better off not informed. I have no doubt that the world is full of atrocities, but why remind myself of it... every... day...


So, I'll be sticking my head in the sand until such time as I get the urge to be informed again. On this note, should the end of the world be upon us, might I request that someone takes a moment to let me know? I also wouldn't mind being warned of a pending civil war. 


If you are feeling the same way, why don't you read some good news with me on SA Good News. I'm quite sure that if the apocalypse was under way, they'd find some way to break it to us gently. 

2012 - Shooting for the Moon

So, initially I wasn’t going to mention my 2012 resolutions on my blog, but I figured it’s good practice to hold myself accountable for the promises that I make to myself. And what better way than to tell the entire virtual world what those promises are.

And that is what resolutions are: they are promises to ourselves. Sometimes we sell ourselves short, as by February we shrug these promises off as ‘not that important’, and we start to slip up. We do ourselves the ultimate injustice, as these promises are there for us to continue along the path of personal growth and improvement. So, having bid farewell to the2011, here are my resolutions for 2012…

1. Budget – Something I have never done. I have created a complex Excel spreadsheet that makes my budgeting a breeze. (well, complex for me, that is – it has at least 3 sums) I am no longer going to be controlled by money, I am going to be in control of it.

2. Exercise – At least 3 times a week. Whether cardio, toning or kickboxing, exercise is not only valuable for physical well-being, but also for stress levels and mental well-being. Being somewhat mental myself, it’s definitely something I could be looking into.

3. Wash my own car – I am one of those lazy-ass ladies who takes my car to a garage and lets someone else do the dirty work. Well, no more! Not only am I going to be saving on the car-wash fees (refer to resolution # 1 – Budget), but it can also be considered a light work-out (refer to resolution # 2 – Exercise).

4. Go to a day spa regularly – Really? Do I really need to make this a resolution?? The answer is Yes. Absolutely. So often, one puts aside one’s little personal desires due to lack of time, lack of money (Refer to Resolution # 1 – Budget), lack of forward-planning… And the truth is, you end up not looking after yourself, not doing the things you enjoy, and ultimately, slaving your life away without living it. So this resolution is about having “Me Time”. Perhaps for you, it’s fishing. Or going to theatre. Or playing a round of golf. For me, it’s going to a day spa. *grin*

5. Work smarter, not harder. Learn from the best, with a sponge-like greed for knowledge. Submit myself for training where possible. Drink green tea daily to give me mental focus, no matter how disgusting it tastes. (it works!)

6. Find a home cell – Last year, after two years of drifting around and feeling lost, hubby and I finally found a church we could call ‘home’. It’s now been a good six months, and it’s time to root ourselves deeper. I desperately want to spend more time with down-to-earth people like me who have a passion for Jesus and His Grace.

7. Be the first to apologize when I know I’m wrong. Let go of my pride, stop building walls and build bridges instead.

8. Be Gracious – this is something that I have always tried to live by, so it makes perfect sense to carry this with me into the New Year. People are going to make mistakes. Forgive them. I am going to make mistakes. Forgive myself.

My last resolution, which is a culmination of all my resolutions, is the glue that holds them all together…

9. Put it at the Throne – The path to personal growth begins and ends with the One who created me. Only He knows what kind of person I’m capable of being. He knows…

how much money I should spend,

how much exercise my body can do,

how often my car needs to be cleaned,

how often I need to escape for some time-out,

how I can achieve more at work,

which home cell I should join,

when I’m wrong,

how much Grace I need (a lot)…

I can do nothing in my own strength if not for His guidance and Mercy. Without Him, my life is a game of hit-and-miss, and most times I’ll probably miss the mark by a mile. So, this year I am going to consciously lay each aspect of my life before the One who knows me better than I know myself. And see what happens.

If you don’t believe in resolutions, I hope you will be inspired at some point to at least set yourself some kind of goal, as I have done. Even something as stupid as washing your own car. When I was in primary school, a dear friend of mine said something that to this day I can not erase from my mind: Shoot for the moon – even if you miss, you’ll land somewhere in the stars.

Onwards, fellow inhabitants of this planet, into 2012 and beyond. 

Rant of the Day: Spam

Spam. We all hate it right? And yet those cheesy chain-mails keep going around and around and around… I wonder why. I wonder how, if we all truly hate it the way we claim to do.  

The worst kind of spam-mails are the ones that carry with them the threat of bad luck until the day you die, and in fact bad luck even after you’re dead, and after your children have grown old and died, and then maybe some more bad luck after that, if you’re really unlucky… if you don’t forward the mail in question to at least a million people that you know are going to curse you profusely for flooding their inbox with heaps of bad luck. I’m not sure what bad luck is like for dead people, maybe their remains are consumed by a particularly nasty worm, but for all the chain mail I’ve deleted (after cursing the senders profusely), I’ve got a lot of it waiting for me in my grave.

I always wonder, why would you send that to me? If you really believed that this stupid mail was going to bring me, your friend, bad luck, why would you send it to me?? You’re not a friend, you back-stabber! First sign of impending doom, and you pass it on to me?! And you’re blind! And stupid! Only blind, stupid people believe in chain-mail-luck. Did something good happen to you 17 minutes after sending that mail to 17 people, like it promised you would happen? No?? Imagine that.

I might appreciate the kind of spam-mail that brings a laugh with it. Some tasteful humour. A funny image. Even an inspiring story. A well thought-out poem. But the moment I see those famous six words, “If you don’t pass this on…” I experience a reflex-action that jerks my computer mouse to the delete button, before I can even think about it any further.

What a waste of bandwidth. What a waste of my time. What a waste of nasty worms.

End of Personal Rant. *takes a bow*