Shut Up Little Voice, I'm Human!

Psalm 32v10: He that trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him…

At this point in my life, there are some things that hurt. Some things that I can’t make happen by myself, and things that I have no choice but to trust the Almighty with. And I do, I really do. I’m not obsessing over these things, and I’m doing my utmost with the wonderful life that I have before me right now.

But I can’t help it if sometimes life gets me down. I’m feeling low this morning. I’m all too aware today of the things I can’t control, things that I’m praying for breakthrough on, things that I know only God Himself can do. My breakthrough isn’t here yet, and I keep hoping it will be soon. I just keep hoping, trusting. Still, my heart is sad.

Why is it then that I have this mean little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m never going to succeed, because I’m not trusting the Lord. Telling me that I should be displaying my trust in a show of continual happiness and peace. If I were truly placing my trust in the Lord, I would not be feeling this way, right?

I’m not happy right at this moment!

And there are things that I don’t have peace about within my heart!

But I DO trust my Father to care for me. You stupid little voice, how dare you tell me how to feel!?

Man I am so tired of feeling bad for not fitting the mould. I’m breaking free of this. I’m going to have bad days, world, so just deal with it. Being God’s child doesn’t make me impermeable to pain, it doesn’t make me a doormat to be walked over, and it doesn’t give me a happy mask to wear every day.

Jesus wept.

Jesus challenged people over things that were worth the argument.

Jesus pushed tables over, with a whip in his Hand, in an outrage over something that He was righteously indignant over. How I’d love to see His face, red with anger, eyes glittering with passion!

So if I’m not feeling 100% today, I know my Papa in heaven doesn’t mind. He knows I’m human, and that I can’t see the bigger picture, and He understands that it’s frustrating to wait around, blindfolded about the future and hurting about the present.

He’s more Gracious than you, little voice, so take your guilt trip somewhere else.

Steve Turner (who may or may not have been stoned) #2

I think we're long overdue for a Steve Turner poem, it's been many months since I shared with you the literary genius that is White With Two Sugars (Please).


It's hard for me to choose one piece to share, being the Steve Turner fan that I am, but in the spirit of February, Valentines, and all that is 'the month of love', I have chosen two slightly twisted poems on love. 


Enjoy :-)


Ambush - by Steve Turner


I'm never
falling
tumbling
slipping
or tripping
in love again
I had said,
closing my heart
until further notice.
Little did I consider
that even Love had fallen
foul of technological progress.
Unknown to me, Cupid had
long since traded in
his futile wooden bow
for a bright metal machine gun.


I'm back again.
Being very good friends.
Trying hard not to notice
the row of holes
currently appearing
across my chest.




And if your Valentines this year is a little less quirky...


Jilted - by Steve Turner


The first time
you are caught loving
in a just-friendly zone
they fine you
two eyes washed in tears
and a letter of appeal.
The next time it's three unpublished poems,
a few pounds in weight,
and an hour long discussion.
If it should happen
a third time
they have to withhold your feelings
so that your will learn
how to use them properly.




Happy Valentine's Fellow Inhabitants of this Planet - may Love, unconditional, plutonic and romantic, bestow it's wonderful glow on you today!

a most random thought

I wonder if anyone has ever scrolled to the very bottom of this page to feed my fishies.

Resurrection of a Lost World

When I was a little girl, I just loved to draw. I lived and breathed paper and pencils. When we went to church, and my Mom wanted me to keep still, she would let me sit on the floor, she would take out a little pad of paper (which smelled like fresh tissues, strangely enough), give me her ballpoint pen, and that was all I needed. I would go into my own little world, which existed entirely on that page, and was a world of ballpoint ink, a quiet world of my own making.


During the course of high school, I gradually lost my love for art, as it soon became a massive burden for me. Long story short, our art classes had me churning out sketches and projects like a machine, and I came to resent my talent. It has been approximately ten years since I seriously took pencil to paper and enjoyed it.


My doctor has now advised me that I need to take half an hour every day, to do something 'meditative', in order to truly relax. It doesn't necessarily need to be anything like levitating and going "ooohhhmmm", but the good doctor suggested yoga or art. Art? I instinctively recoiled at the idea. Sketching didn't sound relaxing to me, it sounded stressful, having to manufacture drawing after drawing...
How sad, that the education system stole this beautiful thing from me. How utterly infuriating.


So, I stole it back this week.


Sometime last year, I began this sketch in an attempt to resurrect my talents, but at the time, I still felt some turmoil about it all, and I gave it all up pretty quickly...

This week, I decided to try again, with a new agenda: Not to churn out an artwork, but to relax and enjoy some quiet time in my little world. Amazingly, it was a completely different experience. 


When I first started this sketch last year, I was just copying a magazine advertisement.I have subsequently lost the magazine, and so am pretty much just messing around with it. Could be disastrous, but only time will tell. The weird wavy sketching on the top of the page is actually a very flamboyant hat that was sitting on the head of a woman, whom you can just barely see in the middle of the page. I am so excited to get to drawing her, as she is one posh lady and I really enjoy a good portrait. 

So, it's really going great, and the cherry on top was that today I discovered some really ideal "sketching music". You know me: it's the music that makes my life so much more incredible to experience, and so I must share it. 


Today I plugged my iPod earphones in, and played the latest Florence and the Machine album, "Ceremonials". There is nothing that can really be compared to this band. The music is almost tribal, primitive, with an incredibly eery edge to it that I haven't heard since listening to Kate Bush's 'Waking the Witch'. (And you should hear that track in reverse, it is simply spine-chilling.) 


Florence and the Machine is a South London band. The lead singer, Florence Welch, possesses a most unique voice, reaching high notes with warbling tenderness, and in the next moment bellowing a powerful alto that brings goosebumps to my arms. I have to say that when listening to this album, I have the urge to dance around a fireplace, or dive into a ocean and swim until I'm surrounded by nothing but water and dolphins. Yeah, it's pretty strange music.


But exactly the kind of strange music that's perfect for immersing myself in my own world-on-paper. Some of my favourite songs....


Shake It Out
Strangeness and Charm
Never let me go


Hope you enjoy it - it's not everyone's cup of tea - but it's such fitting music, being the day-dreamy music that it is... I will share more, once this particular sketch is finished :) Hopefully it won't be a catastrophe!


Peace out!