Shut Up Little Voice, I'm Human!

Psalm 32v10: He that trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him…

At this point in my life, there are some things that hurt. Some things that I can’t make happen by myself, and things that I have no choice but to trust the Almighty with. And I do, I really do. I’m not obsessing over these things, and I’m doing my utmost with the wonderful life that I have before me right now.

But I can’t help it if sometimes life gets me down. I’m feeling low this morning. I’m all too aware today of the things I can’t control, things that I’m praying for breakthrough on, things that I know only God Himself can do. My breakthrough isn’t here yet, and I keep hoping it will be soon. I just keep hoping, trusting. Still, my heart is sad.

Why is it then that I have this mean little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m never going to succeed, because I’m not trusting the Lord. Telling me that I should be displaying my trust in a show of continual happiness and peace. If I were truly placing my trust in the Lord, I would not be feeling this way, right?

I’m not happy right at this moment!

And there are things that I don’t have peace about within my heart!

But I DO trust my Father to care for me. You stupid little voice, how dare you tell me how to feel!?

Man I am so tired of feeling bad for not fitting the mould. I’m breaking free of this. I’m going to have bad days, world, so just deal with it. Being God’s child doesn’t make me impermeable to pain, it doesn’t make me a doormat to be walked over, and it doesn’t give me a happy mask to wear every day.

Jesus wept.

Jesus challenged people over things that were worth the argument.

Jesus pushed tables over, with a whip in his Hand, in an outrage over something that He was righteously indignant over. How I’d love to see His face, red with anger, eyes glittering with passion!

So if I’m not feeling 100% today, I know my Papa in heaven doesn’t mind. He knows I’m human, and that I can’t see the bigger picture, and He understands that it’s frustrating to wait around, blindfolded about the future and hurting about the present.

He’s more Gracious than you, little voice, so take your guilt trip somewhere else.

Ghost Pops, Sparklers and New Year

It is an exceptionally beautiful New Year's morning, here in South Africa, and one can hope that it will be a reflection of a beautiful year to come. I spent New Year's Eve in the best possible way, which involved balloons, sparklers, braaivleis, Big Bang Theory, a guitar and a more importantly: a most wonderful group of friends. Thanks guys, you know who you are, and you absolutely rock. 

 

Having already broken into a packet of Ghost Pops this morning (and it's only 07h30) I'm not going to jump into New Year Resolutions just yet. No, I'll be taking a few moments to look back at 2011, as many people are doing, if only to reflect on all that I can be grateful for. 

I'm grateful that I gave up caffeine. A good cup of decaff coffee tastes the same as normal coffee, without the heart palpitations. 

I'm grateful to have found a job that I love. A job is hard enough to find in itself, but to do something that you love... well, that's remarkable. 

I'm grateful for my husband. This year has seen a blossoming of who we are together, and I'm excited about what the future holds. 

I'm grateful for all the music. 2011 brought about some of the most ground-breaking music releases, and my love affair with music has only become more passionate and consuming during this last year. 

I'm grateful for my nephew's conception. I'm about to become an Auntie, proudest Auntie on the planet, and so thank you and good luck to my wonderful brother and his beautiful wife.

I'm grateful that after many years of struggling with my hamstring injury, I finally managed to kick my punching bag - for the first time since giving up kick-boxing. I'm having the time of my life!

I'm grateful for family. No words can express how amazing you all are. 

I'm grateful for all the simple things. A roof overhead. Summer heat, sunshine and pretty dresses. Big Bang Theory. The existence of chocolate. The discovery of organic products.

I'm grateful for the new people I've met who have added to the spontaneity and colour in my life.

I'm grateful for my first live concert experience ever - thank you, Kongos, you dudes rocked on every level.

I'm grateful for my blog. Grateful that one winter morning, stuck at home with flu, my sick boredom birthed this little website that has become an outlet for one of the things I simply love to do: write. 

I'm grateful for Grace, which was paid for at the highest price. My hope is that I never forget the Cross or the Empty Grave, and all that they represent.

Once I'm done with my Ghost Pops and decaff coffee, I shall contemplate my resolutions for this coming year. But what good are resolutions, if you don't take the time to look back and contemplate the wonders and successes of the year just passed?

So, this is all I want to carry into 2012. Forgetting all the disappointments, and letting go of the things that hurt, remembering only the blessings, and in turn, looking forward to the blessings to come. Setting new goals, making new decisions, praying for new adventures.


Come with me, fellow inhabitants of this planet. 2012 is here, and it beckons us to live it!

This Is An Emergency

Today I arrived at work and greeted a colleague. We smiled and exchanged the normal "How was your weekend?" that has come to be the acceptable Monday-morning small-talk. However, he broke the unwritten rule of acceptable small-talk, by being abnormally honest and saying that he hasn't been doing too well, and has been going through a difficult time. I could see that he was bursting to get something off his chest, but even when I inquired as to what the matter is, he smiled his big, toothy grin and shrugged it all off with a mumble about 'family matters'.

My heart just ached for him, and I wished I could reach into his soul and touch it and make it all better... kind-of an emotional overreaction for Monday-morning small-talk, right? Yeah, that's what I thought too. 

But I've been putting some thought into it. A fellow human being is hurting. Someone I see almost every day. Someone who smiles at me every time. Even if our relationship is predominantly business, can I really bring myself to blatantly not care? Isn't it my responsibility as a human being to care, on some level? If not, wouldn't I simply be inhumane?

A fire is lighting in my spirit, slowly igniting over the last few months, and if I must be honest: it scares me. I can no longer deny that I have a passion for the broken. The scary thing about having a passion for broken people, is that there will always be broken people, which might make it what we call a 'losing battle'. But if you help just one person, have you really lost the battle? For that one person, it is an immense victory!

I was driving home this afternoon - my car now being a regular place of contemplation for me - and my iPod played a beautiful song that cut straight to my innermost being. Eerily, the song is an echo of this morning's experience with my colleague:

Tears of The Saints - by Leeland

The song describes a great deal of sadness, and one line in particular stands out: This is an Emergency. It is so true. This world is in a state of emergency, and it is our responsibility as humanity to care for one another. There will always be poverty. There will always be sickness and cruelty. But this is no reason for complacency - we are called to lead the broken home. 

So here I am, coming to terms with what God has laid on my heart, and wondering what to do with it. The way I'm feeling right now, I could easily throw caution to the wind and join the ministry full-time, but maybe once I figure it out for real, I will share it with you. 

For now, fellow inhabitants of this planet, please look after eachother. Be humane. Take the time to care. Allow the heart of God to pump in your chest. You will never see the world the same. 

Midnight ponderings about beauty and war

It's almost that time of year... the time where much of the world unites to commemorate the horrendous attacks on the Twin Towers on 9/11. I know, I know, this subject has become somewhat taboo over time, but I was watching a few minutes of a National Geographic documentary on the event, and I can't help myself. I know there must be millions of 9/11 blogs out there, all lamenting this same thing: how horrific and cruel that day was to the thousands of people who lost their lives, and their loved ones. This should never be taboo.

After a few minutes of National Geographic's disturbing documentary, I decided to retire to bed. As you can tell, I can't sleep, because here I am, lamenting about 9/11, like a million other people. Maybe nothing will ever erase this day from those of us who remember it, or remove the haunting feeling of loss - loss of life, loss of innocence, loss of safety. But I know that what I really need tonight, to get to sleep, is to know that beauty still exists. To know that all over this planet, there are still beautiful things among all the many atrocities.

To know that that there is still love...

And peace...

And innocence...

Unmarred beauty...

Commitment...

Laughter...

Small blessings...

And dreams...

And of course, beautiful music. Daniel Bedingfield sings one of my all-time favourite songs, Honest Questions, which without fail brings a tear to my eye.


Yes. There is still beauty in this world. While remembering the tragedy of 9/11 ten years ago, may you rest assure that all over this wondrous world, there is still beauty!

x Sleep tight x