Shut Up Little Voice, I'm Human!

Psalm 32v10: He that trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him…

At this point in my life, there are some things that hurt. Some things that I can’t make happen by myself, and things that I have no choice but to trust the Almighty with. And I do, I really do. I’m not obsessing over these things, and I’m doing my utmost with the wonderful life that I have before me right now.

But I can’t help it if sometimes life gets me down. I’m feeling low this morning. I’m all too aware today of the things I can’t control, things that I’m praying for breakthrough on, things that I know only God Himself can do. My breakthrough isn’t here yet, and I keep hoping it will be soon. I just keep hoping, trusting. Still, my heart is sad.

Why is it then that I have this mean little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m never going to succeed, because I’m not trusting the Lord. Telling me that I should be displaying my trust in a show of continual happiness and peace. If I were truly placing my trust in the Lord, I would not be feeling this way, right?

I’m not happy right at this moment!

And there are things that I don’t have peace about within my heart!

But I DO trust my Father to care for me. You stupid little voice, how dare you tell me how to feel!?

Man I am so tired of feeling bad for not fitting the mould. I’m breaking free of this. I’m going to have bad days, world, so just deal with it. Being God’s child doesn’t make me impermeable to pain, it doesn’t make me a doormat to be walked over, and it doesn’t give me a happy mask to wear every day.

Jesus wept.

Jesus challenged people over things that were worth the argument.

Jesus pushed tables over, with a whip in his Hand, in an outrage over something that He was righteously indignant over. How I’d love to see His face, red with anger, eyes glittering with passion!

So if I’m not feeling 100% today, I know my Papa in heaven doesn’t mind. He knows I’m human, and that I can’t see the bigger picture, and He understands that it’s frustrating to wait around, blindfolded about the future and hurting about the present.

He’s more Gracious than you, little voice, so take your guilt trip somewhere else.

RockaBye

I'm feeling low today. I don't usually like to admit it - I'm one for the philosophy that if you don't have anything positive to say, don't say anything at all. But I need to say it, for my own sanity. 

I like to try keep a smile on my dial and a friendly face for the people around me, but right now I really do want to be morose. I want complaint about how unkind life is to some people that I love. I want to be angry about their pain, and I also want to be angry about some of my own pain. I want to grieve about my shortcomings in life that at times never cease to haunt me. I need to be real today, and be sad about a beggar on the street and a dog dying. 

I'm usually confronted with immense guilt at such feelings, being prompted by some deep-set obligation within me to 'always be happy', otherwise I may seem ungrateful. But I was lying here a moment ago, and it occurred to me that Jesus Himself wasn't always pleasant. He got angry, and charged into the temple with whips and a temper. He got confrontational, and called a group of people a 'brood of vipers'. He was deeply pained at the death of His friend Lazarus, and He cried in anguish in the garden before his crucifixion. 

I find comfort in knowing that the most legendary Man who walked this planet was assaulted with the same emotions that I am. And so, for the first time in I don't know how long, I am going to guiltlessly admit that I am depressed. I have had a heavy heart hanging in my chest for a few weeks, and I find it remarkable that I keep hearing that old song by Shawn Mullins, "Everything is going to be all right".. Maybe that legendary Man is just trying to help me hold my head up with this lovely tune, I don't know.

RockaBye - Shawn Mullins

Tomorrow morning I will get up and put a smile on, and try to be brave. For now though, I hope it's all right that I am as I am.