I like to try keep a smile on my dial and a friendly face for the people around me, but right now I really do want to be morose. I want complaint about how unkind life is to some people that I love. I want to be angry about their pain, and I also want to be angry about some of my own pain. I want to grieve about my shortcomings in life that at times never cease to haunt me. I need to be real today, and be sad about a beggar on the street and a dog dying.
I'm usually confronted with immense guilt at such feelings, being prompted by some deep-set obligation within me to 'always be happy', otherwise I may seem ungrateful. But I was lying here a moment ago, and it occurred to me that Jesus Himself wasn't always pleasant. He got angry, and charged into the temple with whips and a temper. He got confrontational, and called a group of people a 'brood of vipers'. He was deeply pained at the death of His friend Lazarus, and He cried in anguish in the garden before his crucifixion.
I find comfort in knowing that the most legendary Man who walked this planet was assaulted with the same emotions that I am. And so, for the first time in I don't know how long, I am going to guiltlessly admit that I am depressed. I have had a heavy heart hanging in my chest for a few weeks, and I find it remarkable that I keep hearing that old song by Shawn Mullins, "Everything is going to be all right".. Maybe that legendary Man is just trying to help me hold my head up with this lovely tune, I don't know.
Tomorrow morning I will get up and put a smile on, and try to be brave. For now though, I hope it's all right that I am as I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment