Simply DistuRbED

I can't sleep. It's 11.30PM and I've been lying in bed for roughly an hour feeling disturbed.

You know what it's like, when you have something troubling you deeply, and you just can't quiet your loud mind. I would love to confide in you about the screaming thoughts within my mind, but instead I have decided the path of denial for now, and will be accounting my sleeplessness to one harrowing incident that occurred today.

It all began when I discovered on my way home that, by some grisly misfortune, an entire album of Simply Red had found its way onto my iPod. How could this be? Is this some kind of morbid joke? What kind of psycho would do a thing like this??

I was driving on the highway, and so concentrating on the road inevitably forced me into enduring more than 30 seconds of a song - I reiterate: circumstaces forced me to listen, I swear it...! And that's where the really disturbing part comes in... I couldn't bring myself to skip the song. I just..... couldn't.

Some kind of dark magic must be involved in all this, for I have spent my life believing that Simply Red is creepy. Something about that man just makes my skin crawl... and here I was in my car... captivated. I may have belted out a note or two when the spell cast really took hold of me.

Come now, listen to this...

"For Your Babies" - Simply Red

Gosh, what a sexy song, the kind to which one could gaze adoringly across a candlelit table into the eyes of the one whom you love... despite the fact that the song has a distinctly creepy title!

And this...

"The Air that I Breathe" - Simply Red

How can you not melt at how he caresses each note, literally making you believe that you are the air he breathes... And yet, is it just me, or is the the notion that "Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe, and to love you" is a bit obsessive and... stalkerish...? Ok, ok, in Simply Red's defence, it's not his song originally... but he does a darn good (stalkerish) delivery of it.
And ok, admittedly the actual music video is quite compelling, and not stalkerish at all.

Oh my. And now I have just admitted to listening to more than one song. *hangs head in shame*

This new-found discovery that I am not only able to tolerate Simply Red, but actually like him is most unsettling. I fear I am changing.

And so here I sit. Midnight now, dark rings under my bloodshot eyes, eating caramel straight from the tin.

I am so disturbed.

GRATITUDE

Gratitude - The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. 

The word itself is derived from Anglo-French and Medi-evil Latin words, "gratitudo" and "gratus", which simple mean "grateful". Or, if you prefer: "thankful".

It really is such a simple quality, and a quality, indeed.

I had a bad day today. Or so I thought. Until I read one of my old school-friends blogs this evening, and realized just how easy my day was compared to what she is going through.

Meet Mandy:

Click here to meet Mandy

We went to high school together, like a million years ago. (ten years, if you must know) I haven't seen Mandy since we left school, but we have remained distantly in touch by the great Facebook. I've watched silently as she got married, started her life, began a business, faced some personal battles... One thing I've never forgotten about Mandy, from school, is her spunk, her perseverance, and her outright stubbornness  She was, without doubt, the most bloody-minded, headstrong girl in our class.

Which I believe is a quality that the Almighty must have given her, because if there's anything she needs right now, it's to be a headstrong, stubborn, not-taking-no-crap-from-nobody kind of lady. You see, never would anyone have dreamed that she would be faced with a battle as mortifying as the fight against metastatic gastric cancer. Her battle isn't going so well, at present. (read her blog)

And this has had me thinking for a few weeks now, about the nature of life, and how we experience it.

Today was one such day... I got up today, feeling fresh, healthy, maybe a just tad groggy from a wonderful, busy and extremely fulfilling weekend. I had a shower, washed my hair, had a healthy breakfast, popped a few multivitamins and went on my way. I got stuck in some horrendous traffic, and was half an hour late for work. I arrived to find that a crisis had invaded my work-space, and I absolutely lost my cool in a way that I seldom do. My morning was a myriad of up's and downs as I faced the day's events, and I was only too glad to call it a day when the clock finally hit home-time this afternoon.

I thought it was kind-of a rough day, you know? I got home, feeling weary and a little bit edgy. I powered up my laptop and it wasn't long before stumbled across Mandy's latest blog entry... and immediately felt so, so, so convicted. So cut to the heart. I had a rough day???

(Seriously now, read Mandy's blog immediately for the full affect of this statement)

There is a song that I listen to when I'm having a "rough day" (although I am in the process of re-evaluating what really constitutes to being a "rough day"). Rocking to this song, admitting that I'm Not Okay... well it makes me feel okay after all... It makes me smile, take a deep breath, and sigh. I dedicated this song to Mandy recently, and I dedicate it to all those out there who are being strong in their battles against cancers and other illnesses. I can't imagine how you do it. I take my hat off to you - you, who have every right to cry out "I'm Not Okay!" and yet you get up every day and fight.


I'm not sharing this to make anyone feel guilty. But I feel challenged, and so feel inspired to just share the following challenges with you:

1. BE GRATEFUL. Just do it. Stop whinging. Get over it. Find something in your life to say 'Thank you' for, even if it is simply "Thank you for another beautiful day to live". 
2. October is Cancer Awareness month - maybe you're not up to shaving your head to support the cause, but all you need to do to support the cause is to be aware, and create awareness. Wear a bandanna, purchase a ribbon, go get that suspicious-looking mole tested. Talk about it, and support the people that you know are walking the journey.
3. DO SOMETHING. Life is now, don't waste it. Apologize to those you owe an apology to. Similarly: forgive. Be kind to that person you have always been too shy to speak to. Take up that arbitrary hobby you've always dreamed about. Say "I love you". Say it to everyone that you really love! Everyone! 

Fellow Inhabitants of this Planet... JUST. DO. IT. 

Hurt

You have used me. For the last time, you have used me.

Like a sunflower to the sun, I have looked to you, waiting for you to shine your friendship on me. Smile at me. Notice me. Care about me.

But you don't.
Don't care.
Don't smile.
Don't notice.

You do not know friendship. You are too luminous for your own good, with so many victims falling over each other to try love you, and be loved by you. But you only know how to use and discard.
Use and discard.
Use and discard.

I am nothing but waste to you.
When I have done enough favours for you, I am left disappointed, empty. A byproduct of your needs. I have never truly possessed your friendship.

I still care, so deeply. But don't care to be used anymore. I hope someone else will step up for you, and look out for you the way I've tried.
Be your friend, without the let-down.
Maybe they will be good enough for you, the way I never was.

Farewell, bright one. I have missed your light from the moment I laid eyes on it.

~A poem for someone too beautiful to understand how  utterly powerful their "lovable-ness" is.  

Let's Catch Up...

There are few things as frustrating as really wanting to sit down for a good blog session, but having neither time nor inspiration to do so. A fellow blogger would understand.

So let's have some coffee, and catch up. I've got my coffee, where's yours?

It's been a hectic few weeks since my last post in August. I think the problem is that there is just so much going on right now, that I haven't got the time to really sit and think about one particular thing. My mind seems to be in a permanent race with itself, and I'm not sure I'm winning.

That was "Bubble Girl". You may have seen her before - she's one of those internet sensations. In reality, she is really just running away from bubbles, but if you Google search "Bubble Girl", you will find her photo-shopped into all manner of scenes. My favourite is her running away from Prince Charles.

So, back to catching up.

 The last time we chatted, I was telling you about boxing, and how cool I've become now that I have new boxing gloves. I'm still boxing, a few times a week or as often as possible, but I think the cool-factor has most certainly worn off. I'm back to being a bit of a nerd. I know this because I managed to trip over nothing this week, and I also walked straight into a table, inspiring a snort of laughter from a friend. When cool people walk into things, people look away and graciously pretend it didn't happen. When nerds do it, the world stops to point and laugh. Yes... I'm back.

It's Spring in South Africa, which means that people are whopping out their braai's (barbeques, for my foreign readers) and getting ready for the Season we all love. People complain about South Africa. The crime. The government. Taxes. Fuel prices. Corruption. Potholes in the roads.

Gosh. Take a look around Fellow Inhabitants of this Planet! That's why I don't listen to the radio anymore - we get so caught up in the bitching and moaning, that we completely miss the beauty of our immediate lives. We reside in one of the most exquisite countries, with what is notoriously the most beautiful Summer weather. And you want to let a few cents on the fuel price ruin your day?

No, thank you! I'm going to LOVE this Spring, embrace it, smell it, sneeze at it, and then smell it again. I'm going to wear dresses, and skip through the flowers. Carefully. I'm going to skip through the flowers carefully. Or maybe I'll just walk. I'm likely to trip over a tulip if I skip.

Gah! My coffee's gone cold. How's yours?

People have been looking at me a bit weird this last week because I'm on a diet of sorts. Now if you know me, you know that I am already rather slender. But here's the thing: I don't want to lose weight. I actually want to gain weight.  I just want to lose a few centimetres around the places that matter - IE, my hips, bottom and thighs - but I'm exercising really hard to gain some muscle to make up for it.

So, I'm having my Herbalife shake for breakfast and for lunch - to lose the wobbly bits - but adding some protein to the shake so that my body is equipped to build up some lean muscles. Something like this...

I'll bet she has no wobbly bits.

Ha ha! I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Now you'll have to Google search "Puppies" and "Bunnies" to try get that image out of your head. With all due respect to female body builders, who work exceptionally hard to get where they are.... I guess it's just not everyone's cup of tea. Or coffee. Even cold coffee. To her credit, she does have a beautiful face, and she'd be an amazing addition to The Avengers team.

In other news... I've been listening to Justin Timberlake lately. (What?! That is news! When have I ever liked R&B?!)

Well, this is the point in the coffee date where the coffee is gone, and conversation is awkwardly silent. You've not said a word, and quite honestly left all the hard work up to me.

*Smiles*
*Hugs*
We really must do this again sooner!
*Smiles again* Gosh, my cheeks are hurting.
No I'll call you, I promise! Do stay in touch!

Ok, bye!
*Smiles*

Bye!

The Flying Scissors, and being generally flipping cool

Got new boxing gloves this week.

Golly, it's exciting. My old gloves were almost ten years old, and starting to cause a wrist injury. I used the new ones for the first time this evening, woweeeeeeeeee :) *happy dance*

So my gloves look kinda like this...

...Twins Special is a top brand in martial arts apparel, these particular gloves being hand-made from genuine leather in Thailand. They are used by professionals all over the world.

At one point this evening, I really felt like I had spontaneously become a more awesome boxer. I felt faster and stronger, my punches felt like they carried more weight, I thought my posture had improved and that maybe, just maybe, I looked as wicked-cool-dangerous as I feel when I'm boxing. Oh yeeeaaah, these gloves have definitely made me a more proficient boxer. Move out the way Ali, I'm about to float like a butterfly and sting  like a bee. 

So, I was well into my training this evening, and increasingly convinced that I have been transformed into the next Baby Jake. I've been working on a wicked combo for the past few weeks, one that I've nicknamed "The Flying Scissors". It sounds dangerous, doesn't it? Yes. I'm impressed too. My husband assures me that it is rather intimidating to watch as well. I don't care that he's biased and trying to win brownie points.

The Flying Scissors consists of a back-hand, followed closely by a some weird kung fu sweeping backhand by the other hand. I then use the momentum from this sweeping motion to perform one final, lethal, spinning backhand with the same hand that delivered the first back-hand. Ok, I know I've lost you, but essentially, it's three back-hands one after the other in a Tekken-style spinning motion, probably highly illegal in most martial arts, and very aggressive. And it feels pretty flipping cool.

This particular combo requires several things that I naturally fall short of...
Grace. (usually bestowed on those who don't habitually trip over their own feet)
Hand-eye coordination. (not the kind where you hit yourself in the eye - that's the kind I do have)
Balance. (Yeah, right!)
Aim. (There's nothing quite as awkward and humiliating as missing the punching bag at full speed.. Doh!)

Being the clumsy, nerdy girl I am, I was quite surprised this evening to find myself delivering the Flying Scissors with such grace, coordination, balance and aim. Such precision. Wow. If I were my punching bag, I would have been profoundly terrified of me.

If I had known that my intrinsic clumsiness could be cured with a new pair of boxing gloves, I would have acquired these a long time ago.  I officially feel kick-ass cool.

For now anyways.


Bruce Lee: Fear not the man who has practiced a thousand kicks once; but the man who has practiced one kick a thousand times.

If Looks Could Kill

I have once before mentioned that I am not a nice person without sleep. (read more about that here) I have been awake since 02h30 this morning. After a meager 4 hours of sleep, my brain decided it was time to tear my eyes open and start thinking. I had a long debate with my brain and fought over control of my eyes, but my brain, far more clever than I, won the argument, and so by 03h30 I was up and about, finding ways to waste time before getting ready for work.

It comes as no surprise therefore, that I am not my usual cheerful self. No, I'm not in a bad mood, per se, but I would venture to say that I'm just not ready for a civil conversation as yet. I may become ready after the tenth or perhaps eleventh cup of coffee. This, despite my 2012 resolution to give up caffeine. Hmm.

I don't know how many of you have watched Twilight (the first one, yes) and can recall the scene in which Edward Cullen appears just in time to save Bella Swan from a group of nasty thugs... If you're a man, you'll know it as the scene where he swings that Volvo around in the most impressive J-turn. For us ladies, we remember "The Look".

The Look is the expression that Edward Cullen wore when staring down the thugs - the dark eyes, almost burning a hole right through the thug's face with a smoldering blackness pouring out of his gaze. It's a look that says, "One more move, and I. Will. Kill. You."

I have always been fascinated by The Look, and have spent years trying to master it. Unfortunately, many failed attempts have resulted in me just appearing sulky. Or petulant. My husband tells me that I look about as dangerous as an angry kitten, and instead of being terrifying, i'm just adorable enough to pat on the head and say, "Aaah shame, she's angry!'

Anyways, back to today. I'm usually a very chilled person in traffic. Cut me off, I don't mind. If you don't endanger my life, I won't bat an eyelid. Do what you want, I'm a duck, and you're literally slipping off my back.
Not today. In my sleep-deprived state today, I happen to care. As a young gentleman in a polo discovered the hard way.

Two lanes of traffic, moving the same speed (slow). I leave a half-car length in front of me to be safe, and polo-dude decides to cut me off, just to see if my lane is moving a smidgen faster than his. Two seconds. He looks in his rearview mirror. Split-second. He's back in the other lane.

What.... just... happened...? Is it possible...? Yes...? I'd like to think that for the first time, I have managed to master The Look. I'd like to believe that polo-dude was utterly intimidated by the chilling, cold-hearted murderous-ness in my eyes... Oh, the power...!

Fear me, Fellow Inhabitants! Feeeaaaarrrr mmeeeeeeeeee.

TODAY

Feeling a bit rattled this morning. Was stuck in slow-moving traffic on my way to work which, as it turns out, was the result of a hit and run. Some poor dude seems to have been hit on the shoulder of the road, lying twisted in the dirt and bleeding. What a disturbing sight. It must have just happened, because there were no emergency vehicles on the scene, and one police car was just arriving.

There was a handful of people standing around. Just standing around, I couldn’t understand it. Why weren’t they helping him? Why weren’t they trying to check his vitals? Wasn’t there something they could do? Anything at all? My mind was racing, should I stop? Should I pull over and help? Even now I wonder if I should have, could have… just done something…?

I reasoned with myself that the police would know what to do, and drove on.

In hindsight, I realize that the only real reason why a handful of humans would stand by in idleness is that their fellow human on the road was probably already gone. Already too late.

It occurred to me how upset I was. I, a stranger, shedding a tear in my car for a nameless man on the side of the road. I, with nothing invested in this man, mourning his death. It made me think… How much more must God’s heart ache, break, be ripped open, for this man, whom he created, loved, died for, pursued, obsessed over…? How Big is the Love of Papa, for His Beloved!

Fellow Inhabitants of this beautiful, tragic planet, be grateful for your today, for someone else did not get to have it. Say “I love you” to the people you care about. Do something good. Be kind to people around you. Smile at others. Make today count.