Hurt

You have used me. For the last time, you have used me.

Like a sunflower to the sun, I have looked to you, waiting for you to shine your friendship on me. Smile at me. Notice me. Care about me.

But you don't.
Don't care.
Don't smile.
Don't notice.

You do not know friendship. You are too luminous for your own good, with so many victims falling over each other to try love you, and be loved by you. But you only know how to use and discard.
Use and discard.
Use and discard.

I am nothing but waste to you.
When I have done enough favours for you, I am left disappointed, empty. A byproduct of your needs. I have never truly possessed your friendship.

I still care, so deeply. But don't care to be used anymore. I hope someone else will step up for you, and look out for you the way I've tried.
Be your friend, without the let-down.
Maybe they will be good enough for you, the way I never was.

Farewell, bright one. I have missed your light from the moment I laid eyes on it.

~A poem for someone too beautiful to understand how  utterly powerful their "lovable-ness" is.  

TODAY

Feeling a bit rattled this morning. Was stuck in slow-moving traffic on my way to work which, as it turns out, was the result of a hit and run. Some poor dude seems to have been hit on the shoulder of the road, lying twisted in the dirt and bleeding. What a disturbing sight. It must have just happened, because there were no emergency vehicles on the scene, and one police car was just arriving.

There was a handful of people standing around. Just standing around, I couldn’t understand it. Why weren’t they helping him? Why weren’t they trying to check his vitals? Wasn’t there something they could do? Anything at all? My mind was racing, should I stop? Should I pull over and help? Even now I wonder if I should have, could have… just done something…?

I reasoned with myself that the police would know what to do, and drove on.

In hindsight, I realize that the only real reason why a handful of humans would stand by in idleness is that their fellow human on the road was probably already gone. Already too late.

It occurred to me how upset I was. I, a stranger, shedding a tear in my car for a nameless man on the side of the road. I, with nothing invested in this man, mourning his death. It made me think… How much more must God’s heart ache, break, be ripped open, for this man, whom he created, loved, died for, pursued, obsessed over…? How Big is the Love of Papa, for His Beloved!

Fellow Inhabitants of this beautiful, tragic planet, be grateful for your today, for someone else did not get to have it. Say “I love you” to the people you care about. Do something good. Be kind to people around you. Smile at others. Make today count. 

Open Heart Surgery

Dear Lord, 


I've been asking You to change me, from the inside, and make me into the person that You created me to be. I've been asking You to use me, to make a difference in my little world. 


Last night when I was praying, You laid on my heart to contact someone that I haven't spoken to in a long time. Someone that hurt me, and ultimately, someone that I also hurt in return. You laid on my heart to apologize for my part of the heartache, and to make things right. 


So I did just that, I contacted them, and You gave me the words when I didn't know what to say. Papa, I didn't expect a warm reception of my apology, but I had hoped that my words would fall on a softer heart. Instead, the response was cutting. 


Father, was I not being obedient to You? Did I hear You right? Did You really want me to dredge up the past and really deal with it - I thought we were doing quite well, just burying it until it didn't ache anymore. Deep down, I know it was the right thing. Sometimes, doing the right thing is painful. It can be humbling. Sometimes it even seems to backfire at the time.


My only reward, I guess, is in knowing that I've done everything that You wanted of me. Wow, it was more than a bit uncomfortable, and so humbling that it hurt. But We did it, and I'm glad. That's more than enough reward for me. 


Lord, this is one burnt bridge that may never be re-built. It is my heartfelt cry to You that You will build ten bridges for every broken one, and that someone, somewhere, will be there for this person where I failed them so long ago. 




Matt 5.46 "If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that."

Translation: If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else?

As it turns out, being changed from the inside requires some open-heart surgery... but it sure does feel good.