Under the shadow

There's a song I was listening to this morning that really "un-did" me. I mean, my mind went from 160KM/H to zero in an instant. I nearly had to stop my car on the side of the road to pull myself together. I wanted to share it with you and I really urge you to take the time to listen to the song when you have a moment alone. 

The song is "Shadow of Your Wings" by Jason Upton. The lyrics and a link to a decent-quality version are below, but I first wanted to mull over something with you...

Have you ever held a bird in your hand, and felt what its little body is like? The bone structure of the wings form what could be compared with a cage, that protects the bird's fragile torso. On the outside, their wings are firm, covered with sleek shiny feathers, feathers designed to keep cool air out and, when pruned, designed to protect from other elements too, like rain. 

But if you slip your attention to what lies underneath the wings...The tender gap beneath the bird's wing is a warm haven for young chicks. The body beneath the wing is silky soft, the feathers so fine and fluffy, so delicate to the touch, you almost can't feel them. And if you've ever held a bird in your hand, you will agree that the most precious thing of all is that you can feel their little hearts beating a frantic rhythm against your fingers.

Listening to this song this morning, I momentarily imagined myself under the shadow of His wing. And for that moment, I felt the tips of his feathers brush my hair back as He drew me closer. The firm protection of His wing held me into His chest, and there I found warm, gentle rest, where I cried and sobbed and felt His heart beating for me. 

Not wanting to be carried away by imagination and emotion, I thought I'd read up a bit on this and found, among a few other verses, the amazing Psalm 91, where verse 4 claims: "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

It was such a deeply profound description of my own 'imaginings'.

If you are worn out, afraid, worrying, grieving, stressed out, angry and constantly fighting... If you know no peace, and can't remember what it feels like to be at rest... It's ok. No one expects you to be Superman, except maybe you. "Stop and take a drink". The Living God wants to pour His healing water over you. Let yourself be woo'd into the shadow of His wing, feel how His heart beats for you. 

I feel like a new person. 

Listen Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFSlIoh_UXA 

I've Been Running Trying To Find My Refuge

Never Stopping Long Enough To See

All The While You Were Right There Waiting

To Hide Me In The Shadow Of Your Wings

Under The Shadow

Under The Shadow

Under The Shadow Of Your Wings

I Will Find My Rest

Under The Shadow

Under The Shadow

Under The Shadow Of Your Wings

I Will Find My Rest

I Get So Thirsty Trying To Find Your Presence

That I Forget To Stop And Take A Drink

All The While You Are Right There Wanting

To Pour Your Healing Water Over Me

Under The Shadow

Under The Shadow

Under The Shadow Of Your Wings

I Will Find My Rest

Under The Shadow

Under The Shadow

Under The Shadow Of Your Wings

I Will Find My Rest

In You

It's Only In You

It's Only In You Lord

~Image found on http://theinbetweentimeswaitingongod.blogspot.com

You can find this article, and others like it, at Above The Flame. Check out the Above the Flame Facebook page HERE. 

When ...it happens.

Have you ever wondered what you would do if you became the victim of a smash-and-grab, or a burglary, or a mugging...? Well I can tell you: Nothing. I did nothing. 
I didn't chase the perpetrator down the road with the intention of running him over and reclaiming my bag. Tempting, but I was stuck in traffic. I didn't fall to pieces and spend an hour crying on the side of the road. I just... went home like nothing happened.

I came to a traffic light on Friday evening, 20h30, at a traffic-congested, but dark intersection. In the corner of my eye a figure rushed to my car passenger window, shattered my passenger window, grabbed my bag from the car floor and ran off into the night. It happened in about four seconds. They say that time slows down when you fear for your life... I'm not so sure, but you do remember every terrible moment in detail. 

My whole body went numb with fear and adrenaline except for a weird, hot rush of pins and needles that pulsed into my hands and feet. And even though the perpetrator was on the run with me staring in horror at his back as he fled like a coward, I was afraid of him. I am afraid of him. There was nothing I could do. I simply put my foot on the accelerator, and got home as fast as I could. 

What bugs me is this feeling of guilt that I have. The inner argument that has been going on in my head ever since Friday, as that awful man looms outside the passenger window of my mind, his arm raise to shatter my internal safe haven...

I shouldn't have been out visiting my friends at night alone. 
But I left early, it wasn't that late? 
Was it? 
Oh no, I'm often out at night. How am I going to live?
I'll have to be a hermit. I'll have to quit half my commitments in Winter. The sun sets too early. 
I can't, I can't! I have to live!
No. I have to stay alive. 
I shouldn't have been driving that road. 
But I drive that road every day, often after dark.
It's a dark road you idiot.
But I thought it was the safest at the time. I even thought about it before I left. It has the least traffic lights and stops, and it's the fastest way home. Only 2 traffic lights, in fact, and a lovely highway. 
There are police patrolling that road constantly.
It's a dodgy road and you know it. 
I disagree. The other routes have just as many real threats, and more can go wrong on the other roads. Drunkards use the other route on Friday nights, and it's riddled with dodgy traffic lights. 
Suit yourself. Idiot. 
I should have had my phone in my pocket, not my bag.
I should have been locking my bag in my boot.
Really? I should spend an additional 30 seconds outside my car, in an open parking lot, putting my bag in my boot? 
Well it should have been behind my seat at least, not on the passenger floor.
I didn't think anyone would be able (or brave enough) to reach the passenger floor in such a rush. 
Exactly, I didn't think. I was arrogant enough to believe that I'm immune to these things. 
Oh stop it!
I should have kept a peppergun in my car, just in case. 
But then what? I gas someone else and myself in an enclosed vehicle? 
That's a good point. And he was gone in 4 seconds, like we said. That would mean I'd gas myself alone. 
Still. A peppergun might have made me feel better. 
Or worse. 
I should have..
I should have..
I should have...

My mind is racing with all these thoughts of self-blame and guilt and I suddenly just feel really ticked off. Wait a friggin minute here...! I didn't do anything wrong! I am a careful and vigilant person. If anything, I'm a bit too nice and naive, but I'm not an idiot. I did not 'deserve' this out of my own carelessness. It happened. And please forgive my use of this phrase but "Shit happens". 

And it did happen. So what now? It was such a petty crime, so not-a-big-deal. I am so grateful to be safe and un-harmed, unlike so may others. And yet... a part of me is stuck there, on that corner. I'm behind a truck and in front of a string of other cars. A man is crashing a sharp object into my car window and my mind is screaming out..

Is this it? 
Is he going to hijack me? 
What does he want?
Will he leave me here?
Will he force me to go with him?
Will he let me live?
Is this the end...???

I am still afraid, looking over my shoulder. My sense of freedom, humour and enjoyment of life is shivering in the corner of my mind, asking if it's safe to come out yet. In time, it will be ok. But for now, I have to clutch onto one thing to help me feel in control, and that is the fact that it was out of my control. I am not to blame. For that reason, I refuse to discuss the matter with anyone any further. I refuse to have people carelessly speculating on what I should have done, what I could have done, what I might have done, if I'd done it different, what I could have decided, should I decide I should have done it different....

As if I am somehow to blame.

No. No more. It happened. And that's it.